Shockwaves have reverberated through out New Zealand and in international cricket worldwide after 6 months into the job it’s been revealed that Andy Moles knows actually knows “F*ck all” about cricket.

Alan Border - once Australia cricket captain who routinely flayed hapless NZ cricket teams in the 90’s and now a prominent TV commentator was stunned.  “You mean to say they actually managed to find a coach that knows less about cricket than the NZ players do??  That’s incredible!!  I don’t believe it – where on earth has this Muppet being coaching??  Kenya and Scotland??”  Similar sentiments have been shared by Shane Warne, Waquair Younis, Wasiam Akram, Glenn McGrath and anyone who’s played the Black Caps in test match cricket recently.

Spare a thought for the players themselves how-ever.  “It was terrible”.  Noted one player  “There was absolutely no leadership or direction, we learned virtually nothing, the only thing he adequately taught us was how to stock the chilly bins properly with ice so our drinks wouldn’t get cold on our numerous trips down to the beach to play bat down”.

Indeed it appeared that vast gaps in Moles technical ability have thrown the team into disarray, sources report players wandered around at practice in a confused group, forcing themselves to take matters into their own hands.  “Well we turned for training one day and it took half an hour for Moles to find the right place to put his beach umbrella, he then dispatched Franklin and Ryder to get ice-creams and Patel and Oram to find some driftwood to use as stumps. Then he discovered that he’d left the kiwi cricket set in the car, you know how hard it is to buy hose little yellow balls these days??  Terrible!!  By that time Franklin and Ryder had come back with the ice-cream’s only for us to discover that Ryder had bought pies instead!!  I mean what sort of idiot ever gives money to Jessie Ryder to go to the dairy with??  And then a big wave came in and almost washed our chilly bin out to sea – it really was a disaster.  I think some-one left the tomato sauce behind as well…”

“It really was quite lucky that Dan had a spare gear-bag in his car with all his kit in it – though have you ever tried playing bat-down with a real cricket ball on the beach??  It’s incredibly difficult.”

Thankfully Daniel Vettori was able to turn things around by convincing Moles that training on a pitch and nets and using real cricket balls and bats might be beneficial in terms of preparation for facing the elite crickets of the world – despite Moles furious reprimands that…“We never did this sort of thing in Kenya you know!!”  And thus it’s remained that way ever since.  “It became clear that quite early on Moles knew f*ck all about cricket, he did know how to cook a mean bbq though.”

Further consternation arose with the lack of specialist coach’s to help the players on the finer forms of the game.  Upon asking for help with their batting technique McCullum and Guptill were sent away to play stick cricket against Moles’ son.  “It’s had a horribly detrimental effect upon my game.”  McCullum complains.  “I mean I try and hit a 6 off every ball and get 250 runs of my 10 over’s when I’m out in the middle but it never seems to work”

So ones asks yourself – how did such a man with such obvious deficiencies ever get the job in the first place??  According to a source at NZ cricket part of Moles appeal was that he was very easy going and had a great sense of humor.  “Oh how we laughed in his interview when we asked how he managed to implement such great improvements in Kenyan cricket and he replied along the line of - I got them to hold the bat the right way around!! We laughed and laughed, it wasn’t till a little while later that we actually found out he was telling the truth…”

NZ cricket further reveal their disbelief that their selection policy could be so wrong.  “We quite simply went for the guy that was the cheapest, I mean we ended up paying Moles peanuts; I mean peanuts for goodness sake!!  The last thing we expected was to get a monkey – this came completely out of the blue!!”

So hard times and lesson’s for NZ cricket, but at least the right man is in charge – Daniel Vettori, the Black Caps best batsman, bowler, captain, selector and now stand in coach as the current one knows “f*ck all”. Most importantly Vettori has a good cricketing brain – which is useful as brains don’t appear to be in abundance in NZ cricket at the moment.