 02:32 Wake up screaming from terrible, terrible nightmare. Oh, God, it was awful. Dreamt IRFU committee phoned me up and said that press and public had a point and that they were putting in a performance clause into my contract. Feel sick even thinking about it…
02:34 They wouldn’t, would they?
02:35 Maybe it wasn’t a dream. Oh, God, no, it can’t be, must get contract out and check it.
02:37 Still have contract until 2008 with no hint of performance clause in it. Contract fine. Sheets, as usual after reading contract, less so. Must do something about this reaction. It can’t be right, I’ll go blind, and the hotel laundry is starting to ask embarrassing questions…
07:00 Woken from renewed sleep by alarm clock reciting some of my most inspiring sayings. Feel much better. Faith renewed by hearing such pearls as “At one stage last week I felt we had France for the taking, but they ended up beating us easily”. Proof I’m a genius and leader sent from heaven.
07:02 Open curtains. Glad to see hotel staff have finally been properly instructed to hail their Great Leader when they see me…
07:04 And the new full-length portraits of me installed in all rooms are certainly an enormous improvement…
07:05 As is the moral uplift provided by the Little Green Book of the Saying of Chairman Eddie I’ve had provided in all rooms.
07:20 Down to team breakfast. Preceded, of course, by Loyalty Oath by all staff and players to the Great Leader, Chairman Eddie.
07:21 Think some of the Munster players are just moving their lips to Loyalty Oath. Must have these potential thought criminals investigated further…
07:43 Had a nasty shock during breakfast. Thought tea leaves in my cup were saying public would come the conclusion I had same rugby intellect as a parsnip, but turns out it was just team captain’s method of asking me from beyond the grave to pass the milk.
08:00 After renewed Loyalty Oath, send players off to prepare for first team session later on this morning. Meanwhile, have to start into administrative stuff…
09:16 Frustrating morning so far. Embalmers’ bills for Brian’s hair are really starting to mount up. IRFU being singularly unhelpful in providing what are essential tools if I’m to take Irish rugby where I want it to go. They actually had the audacity when I rang them to question whether it was really necessary to have the home dressing room at Landsdowne Road provided with meat hooks and piano wire! How else am I supposed to ensure freely given compliance? And then they said that they didn’t think that converting the North Terrace of Landsdowne Road into a 70-metre square portrait of their Great Leader to facilitate taking of Loyalty Oath to me would get planning permission! Tactfully pointed out that I still have the pictures of where the gin bottles ended up at the last IRFU Committee Christmas Party. Hooks and wire will now arrive Wednesday, revised architect plans no later than Friday.
09:16 Still, it’s not good enough. They must be added to the Enemies List.
09:18 Central Archives ring back. They say that the storage space for the Enemies List is running out fast, and can they please have the West Stand of renovated Landsdowne Road as well as the East Stand? I agree, of course; nothing is more vital to my vision of Irish rugby than their work in keeping the Enemies List up to date.
09:21 Better look at this morning’s press cuttings.
09:22 How dare they! Gerry Thornley in the Irish Times insinuates I might be a despot who can’t stand criticism! Treachery! He must be made pay for this heresy!
09:24 Central Archives explain in return to my urgent call that the Kidney/Thornley Annex of the Enemies List is already overflowing. Never liked the South Terrace anyway, always felt my greatness wasn’t shown the due adulation by those on it, extended room for Enemies List a vast improvement.
09:30 Arrive for squad meeting before first squad session of the day. Munster players break up from huddle when I arrive. Thought crime, everywhere I look…
09:31 That’s odd; Malcolm O’Kelly was here at the start, I’m sure, but he seems to have vanished from sight straight away…
09:33 I explain my revolutionary insight into the key to rugby. Is breath-taking in its genius; All Black wingers score tries, and the All Blacks win. Therefore, we can only win if only our wingers score tries. Anyone else scoring or any other means of scoring will doom us to defeat. Therefore, we must at all times throw the ball wide to the wings, regardless of what’s actually happening on the pitch. The wingers must never, ever, ever, come off their wing. Horgan’s blistering pace will deliver the rest. More off-the-top ball from the front of the lineout, we don’t want any of this nonsense about driving it up, tying in the opposition back-row or making their defence retreat; this merely distracts from the vital task of slinging the ball out. Also, we must lie absolutely flat all across the line; how else will the ball reach the wing if the opposition use a rush-up defence with their free back-row also targeting the first centre getting ball and about six men together? All problems with the Lions backs I coached were clearly attributable with their lying too deep, and thus not being close enough to the rampaging McCaw and Umaga.
09:47 I can tell they’re impressed. Plan received in awestruck, open-mouthed silence.
09:49 Ask for comments, starting with captain BO’D. Ouija board replies that BO’D is at peace and very happy on the Other Side. A clear vote of confidence in my genius.
09:50 Explain to confused and worried-looking Leinster players that asking for word from the Other Side means I’m talking to the dead and not that I’m even contemplating listening to someone from the Northside of Dublin. Trevor Brennan is dropped for a reason, after all.
09:51 Gordon D’Arcy, when asked for his opinion of my inspirational plan, replies, “If we play like this, I’m fucking dead. I’m going back on the sauce.” This clear-sighted young man sees that this plan will indeed make him a second BO’D, and is so excited he wants a champagne celebration! Excellent!
09:52 Paul O’Connell’s growling. I hope he’s been fed properly this morning before they took off the chains, he’s always feisty if they forget to put the sedatives in his feed…
09:53 Johnny O’Connor puts his hand up. When I ask him for his contribution, it turns out to be, “I’ll fih’ ya foh five blue nohtes, boss...” Paul O’Connell says he’ll do it for free. That vein’s going in his forehead again. Decide it’s best to move on quickly.
09:55 Wonder why David Humphreys and Reggie Corrigan have both just pulled out brochures from pension funds? Might it be time to finally let them go on that Saga tour they’ve been muttering about?
09:57 O’Gara raises treacherous doubts. Says it’ll lead to the ball being cut out at first centre. Tries to show me what he means in video footage.
09:20 Still don’t understand what he’s getting at. He’s now using drawings…
09:30 Now using models…
09:40 Now he’s using glove puppets. I still don’t understand what he’s getting at, each time it shows the defence snuffing out the move at first centre. I mean, yes, that’s what happened against Italy, and against France in the first half, and in the Autumn tests, but there’s no way that all those problems could have anything to do with the defence being all over the man getting man and ball. The only solution is to lie flatter, right the way across. After all, we played all the rugby against France until it all went wrong in the second half and we forgot to lie flat. The 31 points we scored at this stage were a coincidence masking the brilliance of our rugby up until then, when the French had fluked a mere 43 points in a display of fumbling ineptitude. That reminds me, must e-mail Eddie Jones later.
09:47 Ask Malcolm for his opinion. No response. Can’t see him. Ask rest of squad, but none of them can remember seeing him at all in the course of eighty minutes.
09:50 Ask BO’D through the team medium to formally endorse my inspired orders, one knock on the table for yes, two for no. Can’t actually hear the response over the sound of O’Gara banging his head on the table in frustration. Take renewal of Loyalty Oath from Squad, move out to pitch.
11:30 Not the most successful of sessions. Moves kept getting snuffed out at first centre. Obviously lying too deep. Every time Geordan Murphy tried to do anything, he kept tripping over the wreaths around BO’D. Dennis Hickie spent his time out on the wing trying to sell copies of the Big Issue to the team physio. Also, I’m certain that 3-litre water bottle he and D’Arcy were sharing isn’t team issue – is Strongbow really an energy drink? Must check… Must also reduce the size of the mesh in the chicken-wire around the ground; yet again, Peter Stringer almost escaped by squeezing through the gaps. Simon Best must realise he’s behind Reggie in the pecking order. After all, as Graham Henry said, if you’re old enough, you’re good enough; at least I think that was it… Dismissed them for early lunch after renewal of Loyalty Oath, went back to office to deal with more paperwork.
12:14 Odd phone call from team hotel management complaining of digging sounds. Dismissed it as nothing.
12:23 Realise we need a new team bus for parades so that the multitudes may adore me. Think I’ll mention it to the team, see if they’ve any favoured make so that at least some of them will think their opinion counts when I go ahead and do what I was going to do anyway. Also resolve to have a word with Malcolm later on.
12:30 Lunch alone, as befits the lofty solitude of the ever-glorious all-inspiring leader that I am.
13:08 Hotel management on again, saying they’re sure they can hear digging. I tell them they’re imagining it. Alas, they’re not imagining their other problems; Johnny’s been racing sulkies around the lobby again, and despite what looks like a long line of subsidence right across the drive, Geordan still hasn’t tarmacked the drive yet. Tell the manager I’ll sort it out. Odd thing - that subsidence line is pointing from the hotel right at the boundary fence; must be some sort of pipe, I suppose.
13:49 Meeting re new team bus just ended. Alas, not a success. Started off okay with John Hayes recommending John Deere or Massey Ferguson and mentioning some bloke called Richard who’d do us a deal. Paul O’Connell doesn’t care as long as he can sell the hubcaps off it. ROG then wanted “something maaaad, like, wit pure daycent spoilers, bucket seats and a maad stereo system, an’ a feckin’ huge exhaust, feen.” Had to explain to Johnny that individualised piebalds wasn’t an option, even if his cousins had “a loa’h of oal’ hosses they’ll sell ya foh haylf nuhhin’, boss…” Flannery and Johnny then go off into a vigorous debate in the corner over the merits of skewbalds as versus piebalds; glad I confiscated those slash-hooks the other day. Leinster lads holding out for “loike, at least 4x4 Beemers, roysh, anything else would be, loike, total Scobesville, roysh.” Meeting finally broke down over whether we’d have to have room on any bus for the floral tributes to BO’D. Dismissed them after renewal of Loyalty Oath.
13:50 Decide to check on e-mails before second team session at four.
13:52 Bastard Eddie Jones. “The cheque’s in the post, now piss off, loser.” Not my fault he lost his job, is it? I mean, I delivered on the deal last November, not my fault Mike Ruddock asked him for cash up front before the Welsh match.
14:00 Video analysis. As it’s clearly impossible that such a great rugby brain as mine could learn anything new, decide to have a good laugh by mocking what inferior coaches have done with the same players.
15:50 Much happier. Laughed out loud at Munster annihilating Sale and Castres. Lying deep! Ridiculous! Driving it on in the pack – how outdated could you get? And Leinster doing just the same against Bath? Just like McGeechan, they’ve all bought into this Cartel-like nonsense about pace, possession and power coming from deep with support options, with the forwards first making room for the backs to work in. Farcical. Do none of them realise the only way forward is to lie flat all the time? Only Clive could begin to see the true genius that I am. Crushing victories for Leinster and Munster while buying into this nonsense an indication that their opposition were as stunned by this faulty approach as I am.
16:00 Start of second team session. Oddly, all Munster players wearing tracksuit bottoms, with strangely muddy, heavy-looking bottoms to legs. They keep shaking them out as well. Bring this up with them as it may indicate possible thought crimes. No immediate answer until Stringer says it’s all to help them to stay as flat as possible. Rest of group then all start nodding, and saying, “Flat, yeah, that’s it, flat.” Doubts assuaged, lead players in Loyalty Oath.
17:30 Same as before lunch. David and Reggie had to sit out the session, as the nurses insist that they shouldn’t be excited at their age. Had to end session when team physio needed more time to deal with getting Geordan back on his feet after Paul had a word with him about his current form; apparently, his neck’s fine, but getting his head out of his arse is proving a bit of a problem. Strangely, seems to be fresh earth being deposited wherever the Munster players have been shaking out their legs. Kept hearing people whistling the Great Escape theme as well. Have dismissed it from mind, as Great Leaders such as I need to focus on our brilliance, undistracted by such trivial matters. Spotted O’Kelly when the session ended; asked him to stay on so I could have that chat with him.
17:45 Back in office, asked Malcolm why I should keep him in the team. His response? “I still have the negatives of what you did. Fluffybunny.” Dismiss him immediately, and as soon as he sees me write his name down on team sheet, he goes away smirking.
18:37 Have finally stopped dry-retching and sobbing. Oh, God, oh, God, those photos – will this horror never end? I was young, I didn’t know what would happen, Woodward and Stephen Jones bought me all those drinks, I didn’t know, and then, and then, and it all ended up on film and he has the negatives and… Oh, God, I’m going to be sick again…
19:42 Still shaking, but resolve has been strengthened. Only when all power is mine, only when all doubt and dissent has been crushed, only when all obey me will I be truly safe. I must go forward, must crush all who would question me or raise doubts. Also resolve that all bald men and wearers of moustaches to be banned forever from Irish rugby, as danger of flashbacks too great. No coincidence that 1978 Munster team full of moustaches – obviously a conspiracy to undermine my iron will and genius. Will also get airbrush team onto pictures of 80’s teams first thing in the morning. Donal Lenihan and Keith Wood to be added to purge list.
20:00 Decide to have an early night after a long and somewhat disturbing day. First, though, have to read the day’s surveillance reports. Munster contingent first up; all talking about “making the break this week.” Glad to see they’ve seen sense and bought into my game plan. John Hayes talking about “almost all the earth shifted and we’ve got rid of it by spreading it around the field” – obviously thinking about his farm, must stop this, any thoughts other than about my genius are dangerous distractions. D’Arcy ringing room service; can’t hear properly what for, something about “Hoiners”?. Stringer hasn’t been found in the traps I put down, so he’s obviously settled down for the night; can’t hear anything from O’Gara’s room over what he calls “maaaad choons”. All quiet beneath Denis Hickie’s cardboard sheeting over the kitchen heating vent. Pickup in BO’D’s room muffled by ectoplasm again; really must get Trimble to exorcise the place. All seems okay.
21:20 And so to bed. Turn on the piped loyalty slogans in all rooms and outside, as well as the search-lights, order dogs released, increase voltage on boundary wire, start armed patrols. Subsidence line going almost all the way to the fence now; really must get Geordan to lay that drive tomorrow. Face portrait and renew Loyalty Oath to self.
21:30 In bed, quick bit of channel surfing to help me drop off. See repeat of Butler-Thomas brawl, arguing over the sacking of Mike Ruddock after, in the last year, he won a Grand Slam and beat Australia. Reflect about Mike Ruddock’s fate, our results in the same time, and how I have a guaranteed contract until 2008.
21:44 Hotel agree to change sheets again, but tell me next time it’ll be a waterproof underlay. Really must do something about this, I’ll go blind…
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