7.00 am: Awake to custom-made alarm clock that emits a fanfare of trumpets, followed by the phrase “Arise Sir Clive” that repeats according to the hour the alarm has been set to.  It never fails to put a smile on one’s face at the start of the day.

7.02am: By Gads!!!  Wallace Greenworld, the official squad alarm-clock specialist is 1 minute late to turn off my alarm clock!!!  Clearly discipline is slipping in the squad.  I must chastise Wallace and arrange a meeting about it later in the day.

7.03am: Thankfully Mildow Baggins, the official slipper, night-gown and pyjama specialist is being much more dutiful and has arranged my custom print English flag slippers at the foot of my bed – right next to the custom print life-size still shot of me being knighted.

7.45am: A most entertaining and enthralling conversation finished, plan to have a meeting about it later in the day and put the baked bean supplement affect through the match stats analysis software to see how much more line-out ball we’d win with an extra 1.25cm of height.

7. 55am: Found out that the punching bag fashioned in the likeness of Keith Robinson hasn’t has been as effective in the treatment of Lawrence’s roid rage as I’d hoped.  On the bright side Charlie Hodgson can sit out that extra sprint training I’d planned for later in the day, it’s not his fault he’s not Johnny Wilkinson…

8.00am: Gracious!!  Frank Blythe, the official team ironer and uniform folding technician has left wrinkles in double cleats in my track pants.  We must have a meeting about this later on in the day…

8.05am: First meeting in a series of meetings about the meetings we are going to have later in the day to serve as a brief for the meetings we are going to have during practice to work on the things bought up from the after-match meeting we had during the first session of early morning meetings after the last de-brief we had after the last game.

8.06am: Meeting not going well, Laurence already looking confused…

8.12am: Josh Lewsey’s not writing his column instead of taking notes now is he??

8.15am: And Danny Grewcock’s started gnawing on the foot of the chair in front of him.

8.30am: Ben Cohen seems to have passed out…

8.45am: Veins red and throbbing on Laurence’s head at the moment…

9.00am: Poor Charlie looking more and more nervous by the minute, luckily I’ve positioned Simon Shaw in-between the pair of them with instructions for him to give Laurence a playful knee to the teeth if he starts getting violent.

9.15am: Meeting adjourned, now off to another particularly important meeting with the squad’s official tarot card and tea leaf readers.

9.20am: On the way arranged for Interflora to send Eddie Jones a basket of flowers and a telegram asking him if the Pacific islanders would have caused fewer injuries to his team if he was a Knight.

9.35am: Disaster! Official Tea Leaf reader predicts a descent into absolutely bleak nothingness for our team unless we stop using tea bags instead of tea leaves! Arrange a follow up meeting later on with the reader, Sri Lankan suppliers and the team origami specialist.

10am: Ended team meeting on effective lacing of rugby boots and dragged players into the pre entertainment-meeting meeting.

10.05am: Complaints from the new lads in the squad that the team gimp isn’t able to service the whole team evenly. Gentle reminder required that Stephen Jones isn’t getting any younger and that he has extra duties with team management and the coaching staff these days.

10.20am: Received text message from Eddie Jones informing me that his team scored 300% more tries than us in the last test.

10.21am: Replied to Eddie stating that he proves my point exactly as to why we are the better team by far and that the Australian attack is clearly suspect.

10.30am: Received politely worded letter from the Pope stating that he does not consider that the Sunday prayers of the entire Catholic Church should be solely devoted to praying for interventions by the Saints to the health of Johnny’s shoulder.

10.55am: Finished my letter in reply asking him for a meeting to reconsider by reminding him that - unlike me - God has yet to be knighted by the Queen of England.

11am: Video analysis meeting commences, but only after an extra 10 chairs had been scrounged up for the newcomers to the technical assistant roles. Penciled a note to arrange an emergency meeting of the meeting logistics committee to berate them.

11.30am: Have noted the lack of drop goal attempts by the All Blacks so far. These tries they keep scoring are clearly the hapless desperation of a team wildly chancing their arm, desperate not to turn the ball over lest the elusive running of the likes of Simpson-Daniel and Dawson expose their defensive ineptitude.

11.35: My goodness! I thought Fat Elvis had snuck into our team in his white jumpsuit! Thankfully on further inspection it turned out to just be Ben Cohen.

11.40am: Analysis of the first half of the first test vs. NZ shows plenty of positives for our side. Resolved to finish session early and watch a replay of my Knighthood ceremony.

11.55am: Pre lunch meeting commences. Informed Shaw of the importance of baked beans to his diet and alerted Cohen to the dangers of the humble pie.

12pm: Welcomed to the lunchroom ahead of my team by a 63-piece orchestra and an impromptu fireworks display.

12.03pm: Quietly pleased to see that the official squad steak and other solid meats carver into bite-sized pieces specialist is carrying out his duties well, resolve to have a meeting to congratulate him for doing a job well done, much like my steak…

12.05pm: Excellent a trail of fresh rose petals to my lunch seat.

12.06pm: And it’s nice to see that the pillows on my replica throne have been recently fluffed.

12.07pm: Papers delivered and OH MY GOD!!  A photograph of Graeme Henry!!!  And he even has the audacity to look happy after the game; obviously a sore winner containing a massive ego that likes gloating whenever his team gets a win.  Arrrgahhhh, a headline with the score in it!!  Send instructions for the official squad paperboy to take them away and settle for the official squad releases.

12.15pm: Did enjoy the article by Stephen Jones, where he ignores the game entirely and instead focuses on Carisbrook not being as nice as Twickenham, after all if we have a better stadium logic follows that we have the better team as well.

12.30pm: Lunch over; I wonder how my old chum John Mitchell is doing, an honest man that lives up to his word, especially about the parts of only sending B teams or one’s not containing a specialist kicker.

12.35pm: Send the lads off to the gym for fitness work, might incorporate Thai kickboxing just for a bit of variety for the forwards and send the backs off to the greyhound track so they can get used to chasing Joe Rockokoko.

12.45pm: More intense video analysis with the official squad head massager in full cry as I try and come up with cunning new tactics.  Am convinced that if we mindlessly recycle the ball from ruck to ruck with the ball carriers intentionally running into players – and not gaps this will eventually tire the All Blacks out thereby creating larger gaps that our runners can ignore later in the game.  Combine this with kicking after the 25^th ruck after we have gained 10 to 15m and they’ll be pudding for my terrifically talented and incisive backs to split open in the second half…must consult with the official squad chicken entrails diviner about this tactic, plan to call a meeting later in the day…

1.30pm: Orientation meeting, which is a meeting about the meetings I’ve planned from previous meetings and also informing the squad of new meetings I’ve decided that we’ll have during the day.

1.31pm: First have to unlock Laurence from the basement…

1.32pm: Get Hodgson down from the flagpole…

1.33pm: Richard Hill and Mike Catt out of the bridge club at the retirement home...

1.35pm: Cohen got lost on his way to the greyhound track and has been spotted at the local McDonalds…  Disturbed to find that the backs that did make it to the greyhound track got beaten by the local electrician who ran out to fix the bunny the greyhounds chase after when the wiring failed…

1.36pm: Possibly if I’d used a McDonalds burger or club-med holiday vouchers instead of a bunny they’d have run faster??

1.40pm: I might let my Assistant Manager take this meeting while I go off to re-watch the tape of my knighthood and polish my medals…

2.10pm: Sent out press release hassling Henry’s handling of the 2001 Lions. Clearly Henry got it all wrong as any team involving England players must be superior to all, and the Australians after all are only a bunch of convicts exported as not being worthy of exotic locales such as Coventry and Stockport.

2.15pm: E-mail back from Martin politely declining my latest desperate offer to have a meeting to get him back in the side. Has this crazy idea he might want to farm in the King Country in NZ. Clearly that Meads has got to him, English farms are obviously superior as Mad Cow disease is desperate to attack them, and we are nowadays a land of Queens, but he won’t listen to me.

2.20pm: Great news! Wee Johnny will be back in a month! Foaming at the mouth with delight.

2.45pm: Crisis. Had to bail Grewcock out from the local police station. Apparently he was strolling past a bus terminal when he heard the call “99, Bus 99 is here” and he immediately started laying into everyone standing near the station announcer.

3pm: Orientation meeting for the players over. Sent the forwards off to the scrum machine while I take the backs for a training run.

3.05pm: Have spaced the tackle bags out evenly across the entire width of the field. Set out the backs in standard formation and commanded them all to arrange their lines to intersect with at least one of the tackle bags.

3.06pm: Ben Cohen suffers asthma attack.

3.10pm: Stephen Jones is beside himself with delight on the sideline and writing rapturous sentences about innovative new training methods and the looming 1000 year Reign of the Woodward dynasty on rugby.

3.20pm: Handed the backs over to the Goal Kicking, Punting, Tackling, Running, Tee Placement and Drop Kicking Specialists and wandered over to the forwards.

3.22pm: Hauled Laurence back from snorting the try line, disappointing as I asked a number of the squad to do it but none of them knew where the try-line was so I had to do it myself.

3.27pm: End of several minutes of confusion trying to regather players that had all gone in search of mystical try-line.

3.30pm: Took forwards over to customised wresting ring to practice knee drops off the top rope. A picture of Keith Robinsons face on the ring floor seems to be doing the trick.  Simon Shaw relates to me that isn’t this tactic illegal, I told him not to be silly, for a start if he does it 60m away from the touch judge he’ll never see it.  Even if he did they can’t use the video referee to identify who did it so the chances of getting sent-off are close to impossible. Reprimanded him that you don’t get to such dizzy heights as I have with-out an intimate knowledge of how the referee’s operate and what they will and will-not allow on a rugby field.

3.45pm: Meeting with a representative of the Players committee complaining that the squad should be given a summer holiday and not continue to be flogged after the down under tour. Quickly reminded them that they are professionals, and asked them how tiring can meetings really be?

4pm: Quick nap.

4.30pm: Strolled into a press conference but refused to continue unless my nameplate was gold plated.

4.35pm: Settled for gold glitter.

4.37pm: Stared down a reporter who asked how many Welsh players I thought would be eligible for the Lions. Ridiculous! Next I suppose they’ll want Scotsmen to pollute my English Lions squad!

4:50pm: Concluded press conference with a brilliant summary of why the drop goal and penalty kick at goal should be increased in value to 5 points and tries decreased to 1 using contrasting footage of Johnny and Carlos.

5pm: Time for the early evening fly past by the Red Arrows to have my name written in the sky.

5.02pm: Ordered a couple of them to be shot down for not using capital letters.

5.04pm: Unfortunately Thompson was doing the aiming and he hit a nearby children’s hospital instead.

5.30pm: My favourite part of the day – elocution and whinging lesson’s for coaches, Eddie Jones is making up ground rapidly in this department and it’s one pedestal that I’m not coming down from.

5.35pm: Thankfully the team gimp has already prepared a vast quantity of material for me to choose from, it’s good to see the subservient Welsh know their place.

6.00pm: Teatime, as usual heralded by the flock of white doves trailing banners with my name on it being released throughout the hotel.

6.01pm: Unfortunately my royal steed failed to get through customs…

6.05pm: Have to settle for triumphal arch instead, as per usual the 3 rousing cheers of “We are the best team in the world” goes down a treat with the lads before we get stuck into tea.

6.30pm Quite exhausting eating dinner I assure you, you have to check whether the official squad nutritionist, diet planner, cook, assistant cook, chief kitchen hand, assistant chief kitchen hand, general kitchen hands, cutlery cleaner, cutlery arranger, head butler, assistant head butler, waiters, wine experts and serviette distributor have all done their jobs properly.  Thankfully tonight they have all done a sterling job and I tick them off on my handy A3 pocket notepad.

6.45pm: Receive a petition from Richard Hill and Mike Catt that more Voltarin should be added to the official squad diet to aid their arthritis. 

7.00pm:  Now for the hard work of the day, compiling my list of support staff for the Lions tour, preposterous that we’re only allowed 26 – just goes to show what happens when you get the Irish involved, madness all round.

9.00pm: List complied after a painfully tedious process of elimination…

1. ME
2. Manager
3. Assistant manager
4. Offensive coach
5. Defensive coach
6. Assistant coach
7. Assistant offensive coach
8. Assistant defensive coach
9. Backs coach
10. Forwards coach
11. Assistant backs coach
12. Assistant forwards coach
13.  Technical advisor
14.  Assistant technical advisor
15.  Scrum specialist
16.  Lineout specialist
17.  Ruck specialist
18.  Maul specialist
19. Goal kicking specialist
20.  Punting specialist
21.  Drop-kicking specialist
22.  Doctor
23.  Physio
24.  Masseuse
25.  Witch Doctor
26.  Team gimp

Tough call on the official squad team gimp being picked ahead of the official squad tealeaf reader but that comes with the big jobs…Outrageous that other vitally important people have been left out as well, how ever am I going to break this to the official team letter writer and stamp licker??

9.05pm: Time to watch more videos, especially a repeat of my Knighthood ceremony…

9.30pm: And now for some in-depth video analysis of the second test…

9.31pm: My! Aren’t our jerseys nice!

9.32pm: And our bootlaces are much more expertly tied than theirs.

9.35pm: We win the national anthem singing hands down, terrific performance all round.

9.38pm: Note that Marshall is out of step in the haka, and that Carter miss-times his jump at the end. Clearly amateur rabble…

9.40pm: And don’t I look much better dressed in the coaches box compared to that Graeme Henry, hapless trash, I’ll teach him for having the audacity to coach Wales to win over mighty England.

9.45pm: Skipped the video to half time to make sure I analyse the most crucial aspects of the game. Delighted to notice that our lads look much cleaner and tidier running back out of the tunnel in the second half while wearing their pristine new sparkling clean white uniforms. Clearly a decisive victory for our Assistant Laundry Assistant over the mangy support team that Henry has cobbled together, showing what a sloppy and defensively inept line-up they obviously are.

10pm: Went down to the hotel bar for a suitable night cap. Unfortunately these days one can’t have the bar staff whipped to within an inch of their lives for not bowing low enough in respect to a Knight of the Realm.

10.01pm: Looks like Catt and Hill have already had too much sherry and too many truffles and have fallen asleep in the corner. Asked Shaw to go over and wake them up.

10.03pm: Not the best move on my part, Shaw’s indiscriminate use of the knee has put out Catt’s bad back and advanced Hill’s arthritis in his shoulders even further.

10.05pm: Further blunder. After Shaw protested that he was aiming for the head, I asked Grewcock to give Shaw an anatomy lesson as to the location of his head. If we aren’t allowed a co-assistant vice deputy doctor on the Lions tour – how will we be able to fix this sort of carnage? 

10.30pm: Ah excellent, just what I needed. A conversation with Stephen Jones always allows me to talk about me for a good period of time. Delighted to see he’s taking my suggestion of replacing the Monarch as Head of State with the incumbent English rugby coach seriously.

10.33pm: Stopped Cohen from sneaking past me into the kitchens. Time for a stroll outside.

10.35pm: Luckily it’s only Laurence lurking in the shadows.

10.45pm: Received text from Eddie Jones insisting that his World Cup Final win ratio of 2:1 over us proves that the convicts are superior. Replied that we have an infinitely better ratio of World Cup Final wins by drop goal, and demanded that he address me as Sir in future.

10.55pm: Returned to hotel, good to see that the team chaperone is out rounding everyone up for a return to quarters.

11.05pm: Arrive back in room after walking past the entire team giving a spontaneous rendition of “God Save our Gracious Knight”.

11.30pm: My evenings reading is interrupted by an emergency call from the assistant baggage handler, Laurence went out for a late night snack at a local chippy and his order number was 99, causing him to flail wildly about the store, smashing windows as he went.

11.31pm: Must remind the lads that the 99 call is only for the Lions tour, must advise my chief communication officer and organise a meeting about it.

11.35pm: Checking the web, outrageous results!!! Set my lawyers onto a couple of Kiwi clowns who have dared to parody my greatness.  I watch my knighting ceremony at least 4 times a day not 3, hapless rabble; clearly they’re working for Graeme Henry.

11.40pm: Set about the last task of the day – writing up a list of meetings to have tomorrow, thankfully my A3 notepad and official squad memory jogger is at hand.

11.55pm: Settle into 4 poster bed draped in English flag with print of me holding the world cup and an audio version of my knighting ceremony running in the background…ahhh…

11.59pm: Did we ever get Laurence out of the chippy??  Must have a meeting about it tomorrow…