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Written by Miller v Jackson
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Wednesday, 12 July 2006 |
Thank you for all your questions, the best of which MvJ has answered below with a little help from his friends.
Q: I am new to rugby, and have no idea who I should support. I do however like the colour blue. Can you assist?
MvJ: Of the New Zealand teams, your choice is between the Blues and the Highlanders. The Highlanders would be my pick as they are more consistent. On the other hand the Blues were good once.
I'll see if there's anyone else around who can give you an intelligent answer to your question.
Emma: I want a horse.
MvJ: Sadly, no.
Q: I quite often feel the urge to speak in the third person. Is this normal?
Emma: Perfectly normal. There's quite a lot of it about. Big Brother does it all the time on the telly for example. So does Elmo from Sesame Street. Wendell Sailor is another refined in the art.
Q: Do you have any examples of people who do it who are not fictional characters and / or muppets?
MvJ: MvJ confesses he is struggling.
Q: Real or fake? Can I hear your opinion on both please?
MvJ: I have been up close and personal with both and it is something of the agony of choice. Small real ones really annoy me. On the other hand, big real ones are no good if the owner has a face like the arse end of a mule. I think the correct answer is whatever floats your boat. Fake ones float better though.
Q: I'm new to this dating thing. Help me out with some ideas for a dream date.
MvJ: I'm big on the "stay home for dinner" date at the moment. By home I mean her house. One look at the shit stains on your toilet and she'll be legging it down the road faster than you can shout "that's not my goat, I'm just looking after him for the weekend."
Anyway turn up with a couple of bottles of red wine, and something for her to drink. Bring a nice romantic comedy on DVD and wear a clean shirt. Splash on some aftershave en route, as soon as you leave the pub. If MvJ can make this work anyone can.
Q: I'm dating a vegetarian and it's starting to piss me off. What can I do?
MvJ: This happened to me once. We ordered Pizza Hut, and had to get one vegetarian pizza without any cheese. If I wanted fucking capsicums on toast I could have cooked that.
Ditch her immediately. She'll be rank in bed with the undernourished body and those putrid vege farts. And it's the thin edge of the wedge: first it's no meat, then it's equal rights for woman and before you know it she'll be wanting to curb your drinking to five nights a week.
Emma: Vegos should be shot.
Q: My mate is getting divorced from his hot wife. Last weekend she stayed over at my house and slept in my bed. Nothing happened, much. Should I tell him? Have I done anything wrong?
MvJ: If I were you I'd be asking this question of your mutual friends. If she's really that hot, it will give you a chance to gloat. If she's not that hot chances are she'll still want to sleep with you once your mate has beaten you to a pulp.
Q: If the Crusaders were in the tri-nations instead of Australia, would they win?
MvJ: Everybody would win. Class dismissed.
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