Now here's a blast from the Silverfern's past.  The 'beginners guide / how to' series.  Early readers will remember these pieces, so I hope you both will excuse me for re-hashing these pieces over the next few weeks.

So, introducing, once again...

Part one of a periodical educational series of 'how tos' for the beginner rugby player, and for the long time player that needs that last bit of help to crack the next level of play.

First up, that most difficult of positions, the propping spot (I refuse to call it the 'front row' propping position, as, for Christ's sake, is there a back row prop, or a three quarter prop?  No, so why do you have to specify that the prop is in the front row - answer me that).

Now this is the most misunderstood of positions, with most people thinking that the generally Neanderthal shaped bodies are fitted to the position, with minds to match.  Purely a myth, as any prop will tell you - it's not all about raw strength, it's all about technique, like Judo, using the opposing players strengths against them.  Although the Neanderthal shaped body and strength to match does help!

The average front rower is a very intelligent man.  He has to be, to understand all the technicalities of the combat that goes on in the depths of scrums, line outs rucks and mauls.  The geometry, the physics, the mass and velocity equations that must be equated as the two front rows pack down like a couple of buffalo's butting heads, and all in the passing of a nano second.  No slow witted punters here folks.  It is a little known fact, that Albert Einstein was one of the best props to play the game of rugby union, but was too busy designing nuclear weapons to fulfill his promising career at the coalface.

The lineout is another place that this extreme intelligence is helpful.  With thick oxygen deprived locks not knowing what is happening, it is up to the props to decipher the calls, and get their jumpers into the air, at the same spot where the ball is going to be (and even to get them facing the right direction).  At times this can go wrong when locks try and take control.  This situation is usually rectified by the hooker refusing to throw to the lock with delusions of grandeur.

Being a large, violent angry man also helps when deciding on being a prop - along with the fundamental grasp of the above mentioned disciplines.

Unfortunately, using all this super human brainpower for 80 minutes of rugby, works up a mean thirst, hence the average front rower likes to take a refreshment or two after a game, and that is usually what leads to the false accusations of a lack of intelligence.  After a game where all that deep thought has gone into every set piece, the big boys like to let their hair down (should they have hair that is) and have a few drinks.  And as we know when large, violent, angry, men get drunk, strange things can happen and many solid, formerly unbreakable objects can in fact, get broken.  

So now we know the psyche of the front rower, and that in fact, they are where the brains of a footy team resides.  But what do they need to do on and off the field, and when do they need to do it to become a great prop, a real legend of the game, read on.

• During a game, anything to win is allowable.  From pre emptive retaliation (Gerorge W Bush played prop at Princeton University, apparently), through to mud slinging.  See video's of Richard Loe's career for examples of this atitude.

• Helping out the ref is also an allowable, and encouraged tactic.  As we all know, refs are social outcasts, so if you befriend them, they will be more inclined to listen to your opinions during game time.  This can be a long term tactic, over a season, or even seasons, and should be pursued on and off the field.  Talk to him about anything, so he gets used too your voice.  Beware though, this tactic can also backfire.  Perfected by almost prop Sean Fitzpatrick.

• To save on cleaning bills, never take a towel to a game.  Other players always hang up their towels when they have their showers, simply grab their towel on the way out.  Most veteran props are expert at this tactic, and the saved cost on laundering towels, over the years, can add up to a few pints, I can tell you!

• Don't waste your time chasing after the ball all day.  Play will always come back to the middle of the field, in a channel 30m wide straight down the centre.  That's your zone to patrol when running forward in attack.  Graeme Purvis used to refuse to move out of this zone for weeks at a time, and in fact would demand a motorised golf cart at trainings to take him to and from lineouts.

• Should you happen to get your hands on the ball in open play there is one option, and one option only.  Straight ahead.  No sidestepping, no swerving, no poofy stuff like that.  The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  Simple geometry, or maths, or something.  So ball tucked under one wing, other wing ready to fend, and straight ahead, aiming at the biggest blokes possible, as they will never expect that.

• On defence, flatten someone.  Anyone, in any way possible, legally or not is optional.  Jersey pull, trip, gouge, shoulder charge and in general make a nusiance of yourself.  Try not to flatten the Ref though, that is frowned upon.  Unless you can get away with it that is...

• At all costs, remember to protect your halfback.  These little blokes need all the help that they can get.  Always suffering from small mans syndrome, they get into stoushes that they can't ever win.  It's your job to protect him, as he is the only man on the field with more intelligence than the average front rower, and will be able to talk his way past the bouncers and get you into a nightclub after you've drunk your 27th pint and are having trouble remembering how to walk, let alone talk.  Treat this job as a matter of honour. 

• Try scoring.  No post try histrionics here please.  Get to your feet, and start the same slow jog back to halfway that you use when the flash wanker backs score their tries.  Leave the ball where it is, it had done its job, and no it is time to get back and do yours.

• Never trust a prop that doesn't drink, uses hair gel (a prop with hair is sus' to begin with), knows how to tie a tie, has earrings or wears a necklace.  All these things are surplus to requirements.  All a decent prop needs to know about is the above mentioned geometries and such.

So there you have it, all you need to know to be a top performing prop forward at any level of rugby.