ELVs.  There you go, round one, and I for one, am not a fan.  Pre ELVs I was all for Ref's ruling the game by the old laws, but a bit stricter, which would have had the same result that these ELVs are trying to achieve.  Less penalties, and the ball in play more.  In my opinion, there is just one place for ELVs, and that is in bloody fairy tales.

But they are here to stay, and no doubt, they will get easier to stomach, and games like the one that should have been aborted pre-birth such as the Hurricanes / Waratahs shit fight will be fewer and far between.  Jeez those Hurricanes sucked.

And id does not really matter how many fairy tale laws you have in your game, if you have retards ruling on the game, it doesn't not matter what the law books say.  Yes, those two five pointers awarded to the Reds against the Clan, who then lost 16-22.

From the Ref for the first one  "Can you give me any reason to not award the try"?

Correct response would have been, "Yes, ball forced on Defenders body, not the ground, no try".

But not, TMO comes back with, "You can award the try", or words to that effect. 

Retarded, spastic, mentally challenged, who knows.  But I would be picking you could explain the rules for scoring a try to as yet undiscovered tribes of pygmies in the New Guinean highlands, and 99 out of 100 of them would come up with the right ruling - "NO TRY".  The 100th would be just taking the piss, as there is always a joker in the crowd...

I only watched the Kiwi teams games this weekend, as 7 games of rugby would cause a rugby overload on Mrs BartMan, and then who knows what might happen, I expect it would not be pretty, so I won't even try!!

Anyways, so the Kiwi games - first up was in the pond at Lancaster park, (or whatever the bleep the stadium is called now), and the Crusaders playing a pretty handy game of code to beat the Brumbies 34-3. 

ELVs, well, you would not have really known they were there, but for the not passing kicks back into 22s and kicking for touch.  Other than that, the conditions led to a good old fashioned forward battle.  The more things change, the more they stay the same in some instances.  And in this instance, it was 80 minutes of grind that saw the Crusaders forward pack, led by Mose Tuiali'i carve out the win.

For the Crusaders, Leon MacDonald was the best player on the paddock, superb with the ball in hand, elusive as hell, stepping around over and through tackles almost at will,  Not a bed effort in his 100th game for the Crusaders.

Dan Carter still looked out of sorts, just not confident, but in saying that he got through 80 minutes of rugby, kicked a ton of goals, and scampered away for a nice try at the end for the Crusaders bonus point.

Stephen Brett, well, was he playing - hardly noticed the Crusader second five, and the 'next big thing' from the south.  Not on that performance anyway. 
Casey Laulala I thought was pretty good at centre too, hard straight running, a few nice subtle touches and passes.  Looking very comfortable in his work these days at centre.

Wait for it, Andy Ellis.  Almost I reckon, the first time I have seen him play a decent game of footy (I have hardly seen him play at all, so not saying he is always shit, just saying I have almost never seen him play, and when I have, he has seemed pretty standard - certainly not All Black material, but back to the matter at hand), his passes were accurate, his running dangerous, and option taking on when to pass and run invariably right.  A top class display.

Up front, Tuiali'i as mentioned was superb, his Samuel L Jackson giving him the required 'hard arse' look to go with his steamrolling ball running!  Has carried on his form from last seasons NPC, and must be the clear second choice number eight behind Rodders from the Hurricanes.  Sione Lauaki still looks about ten kilos off the pace.

The locking duo of new Crusader Williams, and returned Crusader Thorn were massive too.  Thorn spending more time in the air winning lineout ball in this one match than he did in his few seasons in the game a year or three back.  Scored a nice bully boy driving try too, a top return to for the hard working Bronco's forward.  Williams carried on his form from last season with excellent ball handling, giraffe like running, and he too almost capped it off with a try, fumbling the ball in the dive for the line in the corner to not score.  Not scoring - much like that French game at the latest RWC to not have happened.  If he had scored that...  But I digress...

Finally, big ups to (I hate that saying, must remember not to use it) the Crusaders front row, who got the better of the Brumbies eight, and that forward platform they laid from the set piece was the winning of the game after 80 minutes!

Richie McCaw, not a stand out player in the game compared to the above mentioned, still did all the things of expected of him, just didn't see the turnovers of old or the ranging runs with the ball in hand.  The first probably because of the ELVs.

The Highlanders game seriously sucked.  Not because of the ELVs, but as above, because the officials were blind.  I won't bitch about that anymore, we all know (pygmies included) that it was piss poor. 

As for the players, ahh, no one stood out really.  I thought Williams at fullback looked cumbersome, like a Clydesdale would look in the Melbourne Cup.  Not saying that he was bad, just looked clumsy.  Mind you, this game was after the Crusaders game, with Panadol MacDonald at fullback lookiing superb, perhaps it is an unfair comparison!

Steven Setephano the Highlanders 8 was probably their best forward on the paddock.  Always making the advantage line and being a handful to pull down. 

Vainakolo looked pretty sharp in his limited chances too - he's come a long way in a short time that lad.

Other than that trio, no standout performances from the Clan players either way.  No one playing like the next coming of Christ, and no one playing like a leper on a bad day. 

Lots of work to do for the Highlanders, but a promising start for the team of no names in general.

The Blues put paid to any hopes that Chiefs fans might have had, but it took longer than expected.  This game was a better display of rugby, and the ELVs looked OK here, although like I have said before, but for the billion free kicks, and million kicks down the middle of the field, the game looks not much different from 'real' rugby! 

Even though, the Chiefs managed to hang on for most of the game, even leading at halftime somehow.  The final scoreline of 32-14 was flattering to them though, they were outplayed from 1 to 15, and were a well beaten team.  The reason for the beating, good old fashioned forward dominance, won at the coalface of scrum time - you've just got to love that don't you??

Anyway, so the Chiefs shafted from 1 through to 15, but there were some bright moments from individuals.  Loosehead prop Simms Davison got his boots on the right feet this week, Ben Castle put his jersey on the right way around after only three tries, and...  OK, stop taking the piss, look for bright spots.

Mils Muliaina looked pretty good, limited chances, but hungry for work and one of the better players on the field for the Tribe, at fullback.

Tanerau Latimer at openside went down fighting too, supported by Liam Messam in an at times seemingly two man battle against the Blues forward pack.  But they were let down by a tight five that went AWOL, and a number eight lazier than Hori Bop on a summer afternoon after a strenuous walk to the fridge...

Awful Chiefs, none truly awful, although Stephen Donald's kicking falls into that category.  After landing goals from everywhere the week before in their final trial game, he had a couple of shockers.  My 'All Black in waiting' comment looks pretty pathetic at the moment - but plenty of time left for him to come around.

Truly awful though, add in Lauaki's work rate and attempts at tackling.  Apparently he stayed at Hroi's place over the Christmas break, and is still shedding the kilos to get back into playing trim.  Please hurry. 

The Blues looked polished and once the dominance up front had worn the Chiefs out, and the tackling started to become optional for the Chiefs defensive lines, the breaks, and the trees came - two from set pieces, good news for the ELVs in that aspect with the 5 metres behind last feet in scrums doing the business.

Outstanding players, their forward pack.  And their backline.

Danny Lee looked at home, as any halfback would have getting that arm chair ride, in the Blues jersey.  Snaffled a nice halfback try too, darting around under the big boys in the ruck close to the try line to steal a five pointer.  Evans was polished, Toeava his usual mix of hot and cold, Stanley solid, the wings dangerous, and Nacewa at fullback class as he always is.  A good solid display from the backs.  What I liked most was Rokocoko looking hungry for work.

The fatties, well, they were just too big and too string for the Chiefs, winning the collusion area with their big bastards, and going from there to the set pieces.

Front three looked very 'All Black' to me, Afoa starting his 'pick me' campaign for All Black number three jersey with a solid all round display.  Woody his normal unbendable self, and Mealmu likewise playing at his usual high standard - some ferocious tackles on Lauaki being his high points.

Flavell carried on his superb form from last seasons Super 14.  Big man making the yards from lock, winning his lineout ball, and  looking like he is enjoying his rugby.  Kurtis Haiu was only half a step back from his captain in all departments, pity this kid is not three inches taller.

The loose trio of the big bruisers went well too, thanks to the work of the tighties, and of course themselves.  A case of good big men in Kaino, Williams and Collins beating the good little men in Messam and Latimer.  Being three onto two was a bit mean also...  Kaino the pick of the three for me, but all in form and playing well - as they will need to in Boerland over the next few weeks, good for the Blues, and good for NZ rugby!

The final match of the Kiwi round, was the most piss poor display of rugby I have seen for a long time, even though it was an entertaining match.  Yes, the Horrorcanes against the Warabores.  A deserved win to the Aussies by 20-3, the Hurricanes lucky to get 3.

The match was almost a piss take from the Canes.  See how many times they can mindlessly throw the ball back to no one, see how many turnovers they can take just to throw the ball back to the men in blue two passes late.  How many mistakes they can make in 80 minutes.  How they can take an almost All Black pack and make it look like the Tairua Pipi Pickers Golden Oldies after a particularly good home brew tasting session.  Individually and as units they were for the main, clueless.  "Different year, same dumb shit from the Canes" about sums it up (thanks Mojo)!

It was a comedy of errors from the windy boys, from the moment Corey Jane charged a kick down with his face through to the millionth pass to ground, it was an error ridden inept performance.  I don't think a team could play that bad if they actually set out to do it.  But for the Horror's, it comes natural.  No structure, no direction, no nothing.

Only two players I reckon can stand tall after the debacle, they being the Coromandel Hairy man look-a-like Jason Eaton, and Rodney So'ialo.  While these two stood out a bit more than most, no one was really terrible - it was a terrible team performance.

Perhaps a look into the coaching box would prove most fruitful when trying to place blame here?  I mean, at one stage the Horror's had a defensive lineout 5 or 10 yards from their own line, and who do they place in the 5m channel - farking Eaton, the tallest man on the park.  That's a brain wave in itself, put your tall men where they can't participate in the lineout, a master class in coaching nouse that one, right up their with one of Baldrick's 'cunning plans'...

Other results?  Some Boers beat some Aussies and some other Boers beat their own country men up too...

OK, enough sledging, in summary.  I don't like ELVs.

A form team, it would be rude not to pick one wouldn't it after the first week, what would players have to strive for if they can't strive for the Fern's Form XV...?
(Apart from the filthy big contracts that will get thrown their way from Japperland or Europe should they play well)...

Fern Form XV, Round 1:
15 Leon MacDonald (Crusaders), 14 Anthony Tuitivake (Blues), 13 Casey Laulala (Crusaders), 12 Benson Stanley (Blues), 11 Joe Rokocoko (Blues)10 Nick Evans (Blues), 9 Danny Lee (Blues), 8 Mose Tuiali'i (Crusaders), 7 Richie McCaw (Crusaders), 6 Jerome Kaino (Blues), 5 Ali Williams (Crusaders), 4 Jason Eaton (Horrorcanes), 3 Greg Somerville (Crusaders), 2 Kevin Mealamu (Blues), 1 Tony Woodcock (Blues).
Reserves:  Andrew Hore (Horrorcanes), John Afoa (Blues), Troy Flavell (Blues), Tanerau Latimer (Chiefs), Andy Ellis (Crusaders), Dan Carter (Crusaders), Mils Muliaina (Chiefs).

8 Crusaders,  10 Blues, 2 Horrorcanes, 2 Chiefs.