 The mystery over allegations of Satanism in Welsh rugby has deepened in the intervening weeks since first it came to light. Religious figures have differing views; Mgr. Chris Rattue of St. Henry and All Blacks has termed the Welsh “the village idiots of world Satanism”, while Rev. S. Jones of the Perpetual Wapping Preaching Mission to the South Seas Cannibal Isles told us from his pulpit that any Southern Hemisphere Satanism is powder-puff devil-worship and not a patch on good old English Satanism, and that all the best representatives of utter darkness have been poached anyway, no matter what it says on their birth certs.
Those Welsh clubs contacted by TSF have denied the accusation; Cardiff pointed out that the necessity of virgins for Satanic rites rules out everyone from Cardiff over the age of twelve “bar this ginge centre we had who buggered off to London a while back.” Pontypool were adamant that their front-row retired ages ago, and Newport informed us that they had had their clubhouse exorcised of all evil influences “and tell that tosser never to show his Walrus face here again.” Llanelli pointed out that while they were quite willing to sell their souls for cash, no offers had yet been received, while Neath told us that they are still subject to cease and desist and barring orders taken out by the Evil One.
To clear up the mystery, we contacted Satan himself through his public representatives, Paparemborde Schmidt Clohessy Loe & Associates, and were granted an interview.
“I’ve always had an interest in rugby,” said Satan. “After all, I’m Honorary President of the Open-Side Wing-Forwards Association, and a Patron of the Front Row Union.
“But this one – no, not me. I mean, sure, I used hang around Cardiff for matches in the seventies – used always meet JPR, went for a couple of pints with Keith Murdoch in 1973, and had a word with Andy Haden about lineout tactics in 1978 – but no, no formal links with any Welsh clubs.
“I’ve been blamed for things that have happened in Cardiff in the wrong before, mind. Nearly cost me one of the best guys after 2002, but Peter entirely accepted my explanation that as Prince of Darkness, I’m a gentleman. So no matter anyone tells you, I’ve never had anything to do with Leicester.
“Even the Great Enemy and source of all evil has some standards, after all.”
When asked for further comment, Satan replied, “It’s an odd one, no-one wants to take responsibility for the Welsh. I mean, not even God. We play poker every week with Chuck Norris and Paul O’Connell – it’s how I won Matfield outright, but I’ve never been able to push him to go all in and put McCaw down – and we were talking about it. He said that it’s all fine and dandy being omnipotent, but sorting out WRU committee members is too much even for Him. Said He hadn’t come back from the grave on the third day just to be crucified all over again week in, week out.
“We have tried out a couple of joint ventures; you know, Katherine Jenkins, the Bulls cheerleaders. I get the lustful thoughts, and He gets the belief in a loving God that seeing them induces in rugby players. Win-win, you know? We think it’s going well, bit like the old days, really.
“Credit where it’s due, McCaw was all his work. I slipped up badly missing getting in on that one. I mean, a loosie, you’d have thought I’d have the inside track, really. Michael Jones was bad enough, now every Kiwi believes in God.
“Well, every real Kiwi.
“Still, I’ve had a good run on the ARU, RFU and SARU, so I suppose I can’t really complain. Just like Kiwis in 1995, 1999 and 2003, I doubt if there’s a Convict, Pom or Boer who doesn’t feel completely abandoned by God by this stage.”
When asked who he felt was responsible for the problems and ills of the world, Satan had no doubt:
“I blame Deans.”
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