The first in an irregular series as we try and get to know the members of the Silverfern's forum.  Opening the show, this weeks guest, Red Beard, a Kiwi based bogan from Te Aroha, Swamp Fox land, home of Thames Valley's last two All Blacks, Carl Hoeft and Keith Robinson...  Even though they were playing for Otago and waikato at the times of selection, they are still Swampies!!

Forum member number 1634.

Describe yourself in 25 words or less:  Fiery, Tattooed, Burly, Unpredictable, Creative, Loyal, Amusing, Rough as Guts and Entertaining. 

What international rugby team do you support and why?  All Blacks by birth, Scotland thanks to great genetics and Tonga through cross pollination.

What Super 14 team do you support and why?  The Chiefs because I'm a martyr for punishment.  My son is also a big Chiefs fan and I have vowed to take him to every home game until he is old enough to be my designated driver.  Love catching up with old mates and rivals over a bottle of piss at Waikato Stadium. Have been playing or watching rugby there since Adam was a pup.  Also have a big wet puddle for the Highlanders.

What's the biggest challenge facing rugby?  Retaining old school rugby values in the modern era.  Hate it when everyone goes all PC just because the boys have had a big night on the piss, smashed something up or took a leak on the field.  They are supposed to be RUGBY PLAYERS for fucks sake people not The Wiggles.  It’s also vital that we immediately eradicate the number of professional players in this country who use moisturiser, dye their hair (sorry JC) own coloured boots or wear exfoliating gloves.  Keeping club and school rugby afloat in rural New Zealand is a far bigger issue than players heading off for a well paid OE. I kid you not, most teenage NZ males wouldn’t be able to name the All Black pack even when you press a sawn off shotgun firmly against their Adams apples.       

Who was the game's greatest ever player?  Jean Pierre Gauret (France). Short, squat, fiery, fearless and not afraid to scratch the odd retina.

You were meant to name a Kiwi player!!  Anyway, how about other non-NZ players? Who were/are the greatest?  Pascal Ondarts, Graham Price, Topo Rodriguez, Diego Cash, Tommy Lawton, Louis Moolman, Keith Wood, Graham Dawe.   

What do you like about the Silver fern?  The camaraderie and friendships you develop with Ferners from all corners of the rugby universe.  Paarl Bok has sent me some cool stuff, Irish Richard has been here to stay with us and enjoy a night on the Chateau Waikato. Thomond78 and PDP often keep me in the loop and Gibbit has even risked his career by allowing me to go live on the airwaves with him.  Can't wait to meet more of you in Twenty11.

How could the site be improved? Need a separate forum for anyone who has played in the backs.  Ban certain Kiwi posters who give the rest of us a bad name.  Take to some of the mods with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

Who's your favourite poster?  Paarl Bok, I love Pigeon English.  The man could have grown up in Tokoroa for all we know.

Who's the worst poster?  The former international who trolls the Fern masquerading under the pseudonym of SnapperSlayer.  You know who you are, reveal yourself!

How did you choose your user name?  Im a Ginga and have a Red Beard!  Used to have a big ZZ Top beard with a number one haircut back in the day.

How could the game of rugby be improved? Let players ruck like the good old days.  Allow scrums to be set on the try line again.  Reduce the amount of cameras so players can get away with more shenanigans and we can restore fear of the blackness.  Bring back the old school tours.

What rugby player would you turn gay for?  Whoever it was, let me get one thing straight.  I would be the pitcher.

Non-rugby questions now:

Favourite music?  Fat Freddy’s Drop, ACDC, Katchafire, Cold Chisel, RHCP, Ray La Montange, Dave Dobbyn, Salmonella Dub, Wicked Draw, Prince Tui Teka.

Favourite book?  ‘McCarthy’s Bar’ by Peter McCarthy.  ‘What did I do last night?’ by Tom Sykes.  ‘Stand Up & Fight’ (How Munster beat the 78 All Blacks) plus anything by Ian Rankin or Peter Robinson.

Favourite Film?  Chopper, Goodwill Hunting, The Boxer, Braveheart, Supertroopers, Kenny or Hot Fuzz.

Favourite Bar?  Waikino Tavern (Karangahake Gorge). The Mountain Rocks (Ohakune).  The Ox (Edinburgh).  The Stump Bar, (Lauterbrunnen).

Biggest lifetime regret?  That I didn’t boot the Silvester twins even harder and more frequently when I had the chance.  That I didn’t discover the refreshing taste of San Pellegrino until my early thirties.

Greatest hope?  To play on the same team in the front row with my son one day.  Am still eagerly awaiting for a takeaway to open in Te Aroha that sells the most primo Crispy Duck.  That a new series of Midsomer Murders is on its way to New Zealand as we speak.