Hello, my name is Wayne Barnes. For those of you who do not know me, I was the referee in the France versus All Blacks quarterfinal at the 2007 Rugby World Cup.

I wanted to be a referee since a young age when my dearest Daddy sent me to a nice little all boys school in southern England. The big boys (and even the little boys) picked on me and turned me into the wiener that I am today.  One of those mean little boys was a New Zealander; he made me cry to Mummy all night after poking me with a small twig.

I was going to be a lawyer but my eyesight became so bad I had to give up that career to become a referee. I never lost my passion for English Rugby and I have developed my own set of rules to give the English Rugby team the best chance of winning the World Cup, and of course, New Zealand the least.

1) Being run into is a yellow cardable offence if it's between the 55th and 56th minute of a match. See Soccer for an example of this rule.

2) A forward pass must travel a least ten metres forwards for it to be deemed forward, otherwise it shall be considered 'flat' (it's only applicable in a blue jersey).

3) A player is only deemed to be offside if he is at least 2 metres in front of the hindmost feet (naturally only applicable if in a blue jersey).

4) If a player is in front of the kicker, he need not retreat if in a blue jumper.

5) A team wearing gray cannot be awarded a penalty in the second half of a match.

6) A team in blue can use their hands at anytime, regardless of whether a ruck has formed, where they enter the said ruck or whether they are on their feet.

7) A ruck is only a ruck if it has been called as such by the blue team's captain.

8) Touch judges may only enter the game to rule on "penalties" committed by players wearing silver. At no other stage must they interfere with the referee's running of the game.

9) If a try has been scored by a player not wearing blue, the video referee must spend at least 10 minutes trying to find a reason to not award it.

10) A scrum is only deemed to have been wheeled 90 degrees if it has been in fact wheeled 180 degrees.

Disclaimer: These rules have been written in order to destroy southern hemisphere teams and give England an easier path in the world cup. They could be dangerous if found in the wrong hands.